In 2019 I decided to do something my sister has done for many years: record the books I read. So I bought a little Moleskine and started jotting down titles each time I finished a book. I was coming out of severe depression and anxiety, and was seeking to rebuild my mind. Reading was a […]
3 Voices That Helped Carry Me Through Anxiety and Depression
In the beginning of my breakdown, I didn’t have capacity for very much input, so my normal stays of writing and reading were set aside. The words I could receive came from people close to me in real time. However, three artist voices broke through the darkness of severe anxiety and depression, bringing peace instead […]
When It All Shakes Out (You Exist)
When it all shakes out, beloved, you will know what is true and what was only pretense, And it will hurt, because there are things you wanted to be true that will never be true, and things you needed to be false, that were never false, and things in the middle that you will discover […]
A Breakdown
“Thou makest darkness, and it is night: wherein all the beasts of the forest do creep forth.” A breakdown was like being bound, blindfolded, and pummeled, then dropped in the middle of a thick, dark wood. I was completely beaten, covered in bruises and still vomiting up bile and blood when the blindfold was ripped […]
I Have A Voice
I wrote following post in October. It seems like it was the key that fit the hole, turned the lock, and opened the door to my breakdown. The words poured out of me in strength: then fear rushed in to the vacancy the words left behind. I can remember every day from the day the […]
Depression
And so the winter passes. We took a sharp turn into spring this week, with the snow and frost giving way to sunny mid-70 days. Donning a tank top, I worked away at the last of the blueberry bushes, and my sun-kissed skin kept me warm all night long. It was a long, dark winter. […]
All My Desire Is Before Thee
O LORD, rebuke me not in Your wrath, And chasten me not in Your burning anger. For Your arrows have sunk deep into me, And Your hand has pressed down on me. There is no soundness in my flesh because of Your indignation; There is no health in my bones because of my sin. For […]
Spiritual Boundaries, Part 2: Real Life is Now
(post #12) writing for a month within the sacred smallness of this very real life: see all posts here Note: this is the second part to a short series-within-a-series on spiritual boundaries. Read introductory story here. I love my charismatic upbringing. The confidence afforded me in my relationship with Christ, the foundational assurance that I am loved, and wanted, and […]
Things Reset: Sacred Smallness, Real Life Is Now
(post #7) I’ve just returned from a women’s retreat where I had the privilege of listening to my Mama speak. Two of my aunts, my sister and my sister-in-law also attended, so we all had our own mini-retreat within the retreat, if you know what I’m saying. Girl-talk around a fire, cheesecake at midnight, massages, chocolate, […]
Ashes, Ashes, Body and Blood
The ashes in my mouth taste like talc and powder. I swallow, move the tongue, wipe between teeth. It’s always like this, always a material experience that solidifies the visceral into something I understand. It’s candles to facilitate prayer, it’s arms raised to worship, it’s dancing on a cliff’s ledge to break before the Spirit. It’s […]