One of the questions I have simmering in my brain much of the time is the question of what to do with “The Person” who committed sexual crimes against me when I was a child. I’ve forgiven–I’m sure I have–but he’s still out there, living life with a wife and children, working at a well known corporation, a human being alive and kicking in this wide, wide world.
When I read words like those this week written on the blog Scary Mommy (Why, Hello, Rapist In My Facebook Newsfeed), I wonder, what are we supposed to do with the fact that these perpetrators get off scott free, and are showing up in places like our FB feeds, our churches, even our own family functions–what do we do with that? I know some people opt for exposure, calling out the abuser and his crime, maybe even pursuing justice in the courts if the crime is not too far in the past. Others opt for silence, tucking their shame and memories out of sight. Some suck it up and are cordial but keep their distance. And some consider it true forgiveness to be actual acquaintances, or even to put “the past behind us” and will allow the former abuser back into their lives. But all of these seem to me to be coping mechanisms and I’m not sure where my own thoughts are supposed to go.
Does the abuse survivor ever really get past the fact of what the abuser has done? Because we’ve got two different things going on here, we have the abuse itself, and we have The Person who committed the crime. The church has this mixed up idea that forgiveness solves all, which it doesn’t, and I’m still trying to wrap my head around what it actually does accomplish if it doesn’t make everything go away. I do know, though, that The Person who committed the act against me and The Act Itself are two very different hurdles in my life. I forgive The Person, but I still am working through the ramifications of The Act. At the same time, The Person is still out there seemingly alive and well, and every once and awhile I remember this, or am confronted by this, and I’m just not sure where to let it land inside my head and heart.
So along come questions, like how long should a person be held accountable to crimes? If Scary Mommy’s rape happened by teenage boys in the 1980’s, are these (now) men still accountable? Do people change? Can these teenagers grow into men who find truth and forgiveness in their own hearts–my theology says of course they might–who might possibly possess sound marriages, loving wives, warm relationships with their own children? If they are wonderful family men now–and do you see how I am trying to justify?–if they are good and honest and trustworthy, is it right to hold up to them this thing they did in their far-gone adolescence? Do we just kid ourselves and hope that young people who commit such crimes were simply misguided, not wanting to believe that they might be sick individuals who will remain sick the rest of their lives? Or oppositely, if they are sick individuals, then aren’t we doing a disservice to all mankind by letting them live their free lives? And yet again, if they aren’t sick individuals and instead were merely fools acting on a terrible lapse of judgement long ago, is it unreasonable for me to feel they don’t deserve to live life as freely as they do?
If the teenager who molested me–the 4 year old–had not only molested other little girls before me and went on to molest others after, are we really supposed to stay silent 30 years later when it crops back up in our lives? Or if he hand’t done anyone but me, should I stay silent? Is it right or wrong to think, “so much time has gone by, he’s probably a family man who’s grown and matured and straightened out…” Is it right or wrong to think, “as horrible as it might be for his family and those who love him, he committed these crimes and he needs to face up…”
Why should a generation of women be confronted on Social Media, or anywhere else, with their rapists/abusers/molesters, knowing that those individuals got away with what they did? Why do we let the young men and older men get away with it at all?
These men go on to live their lives and the women they hurt go on to carry wounds that don’t mend and scars that don’t fade. And after thirty years go by, these women still are filtering their worlds through the lens of the abuse and it seems so unjust, so unfair that the one who was hurt still suffers, and the one who did the hurting is free.
Is this injustice simply part of the tragic nature of abuse? Am I to accept it and move on?
I really want to know what you think.
You ask SO MANY good questions.
I want to be clear that I DO believe people can change. Those who did evil, or even just “unhealthy” things can grow, be different, love rightly… The reality is, however, that it is VERY UNLIKELY. In all probability, a person (especially a man) who has done these things, will probably continue to do them, to different degrees, for the rest of his life, until he is compelled to stop. This is why I nearly ALWAYS advocate speaking up, and seeking justice, no matter how much time has passed.
Unfortunately, a situation like Scary Mommy’s would probably be impossible to find much “justice” for, and yes, cultural boundaries aren’t much in her favor, because of all the “blurred lines” in her situation.
In the case of a child, who was abused by a caregiver, I think it is, nearly always, the right thing to speak up and seek resolution, for the sake of all children he will every come in contact with, for the rest of his life. Statistically speaking, he is probably abusing children still. And he will probably continue to do so.
Ultimately, I think you have to know your own heart. I also think it is wise to get advice from a lawyer, or someone in the sexual crimes department of local law enforcement BEFORE going public with a claim or accusation. In my experience, the investigators in these departments have been caring, wise, and given good advice to me and those I have worked with. They very MUCH want to stop criminals, and they know it is easiest when they have victims who are willing to work with them.
Ok. so I am practically blogging here. I can shut up now.
I just don’t know, Harmony. I am always tempted to stick my head in my shell and carry on with life without any extra pain. I’m pretty sure that’s not healthy. But the thought that stepping forward would possibly help others would be compelling. But then I think just the accusation could ruin a persons life if they have changed. So difficult. I took a class at Andrews in which forgiveness was presented in such a powerful way – the need for justice can be satisfied by the price that Jesus paid – the question from Jesus being: I was beaten, hung on a cross and killed – is that enough justice for you?
But that doesn’t change the fact that others may need to be protected.
The comments and emails I’ve gotten about this have been so interesting! I realize now that this post came across as if wondering if I myself ought to pursue some sort of justice in my situation, and ironically, that question never even crossed my mind. I haven’t felt any need to make public a name, or seek justice. Everyone’s thoughts on this made me wonder otherwise, though!
Jodi, I was surprised by your comment, about the words from your class: the need for justice can be satisfied by the price that Jesus paid. I believe that emphatically. This is where I get thrown a lot in the discussions/readings I have and do about this subject, so often there is this idea presented that “compared to the mountain of sin I’ve committed against Christ, what you did to me, you abuser you, is merely a molehill. Therefore I forgive you.” Something inside of me recoils violently from this train of thought. I believe it’s much more than that. I find such healing in the thought that yes, this what this abuser did was terrible, so terrible that he deserves death. And it’s like Jesus comes along and says, “what he did to you, someone has to die for that, Harmony. That guy’s not gonna. But I love you, and I’ll take that on. I’ll die for you. I’ll bear the full weight of what he did against you. This is the type of crime that is only satisfied by death, and I’ll swallow that whole.” I don’t know how to explain that fully, how this transverse way of looking at the cross has brought such freedom and wholeness for me–I believe Jesus died for all the sins I’ll ever commit. He also died for all the sins committed against me. It is because justice HAS been served that I move forward.
That said, though, all these dialogues have made me wonder if there’s anything else I ought to do where the former abuser is concerned. I have no idea! 🙂
Tough, tough questions. I don’t think it is right or wrong to think, “After all this time, he’s probably a wonderful family man…” or “After all this time, he needs to experience punishment for his crimes…” There’s no need to judge those thoughts one as either right or wrong; perhaps helpful/unhelpful or even actionable/unactionable may be adjectives better suited.
You’re on to something when you ask, “Is this injustice just part of the tragic nature of abuse?” –because as we know, some measure of injustice will remain on this side of God’s final judgment. There is nothing that could happen on this earth to The Person that can undo The Act.
As I read your post, I found myself asking, “What would bring greater shalom into the world?” It’s tough because we don’t exactly know! Would it bring more shalom into the world to expose a middle-aged family man for his teenage sex crimes? Ack! I suppose that the answer depends somewhat on the likelihood that he abused others or continues to abuse others. And how are we to know?
So I sit with you in your questions.