preface: this is not a judgement on the characters or motives of any one person or family. this is a judgement on the culture’s tendency to overlook victims and the christian church’s tendency to minimize abuse.
RECAP
Last week news broke about the criminal misconduct of Josh Duggar, who is the eldest son of the famous family from TLC’s 19 Kids and Counting, and (until the news broke) was the executive director of the Christian, right-wing Family Research Council’s lobbying arm called Action. If you’ve followed the news at all, you can skip the next paragraph. If not, read on.
The tabloid In Touch Weekly released a police report detailing sexual molestations at the hands of Josh toward five female children which occurred over a decade ago. Josh was between 14 and 15 years old at the time. The police report revealed that Josh’s father Jim-Bob discovered the abuse but did not seek outside help for up to a year (during which the molestations continued); when help was sought it was in the form of counsel from church elders (in other words, it was “handled in-house”); Josh revealed his conduct to a police officer but the officer failed to file a report; police were officially notified 3 years after the incidents thanks to an anonymous tip-off to Oprah’s studio, but by this point the statute of limitations had run out; Josh continued to live at home with the children he had victimized.
THIS STORY MATTERS
I’m not eloquent when it comes to discussing current events. I’m not an investigator or a journalist. I don’t want to dip my pen into gossip or write words of slander, nor do I want to pretentiously act as if I know something when I do not. Josh and his family are being dragged through the mud by bloggers and commenters all over the internet, and mud-throwing is not my thing. But this story, you guys. This story matters. It matters.
My heart hurts.
ONCE AGAIN, VICTIMS ARE SACRIFICED
Take away the famous name, the famous family, and you are left with a scenario horrifyingly common not only in our nation but in our churches. Still. Even with all our talking. Even with all the effort put forth to change. Abuse still happens at the hands of our teenagers, parents still close their eyes or apply at-home discipline and hope it will go away, pastors still counsel a “forgive and forget” approach (denying the long-term consequences), elders still facilitate reconciliation and devastatingly apply Matthew 18 (forgetting that in addition to being a sin, this is also a felony), churches still manage in house a crime that belongs to the court of law, perpetrators still get off scott free, and victimized children are still sacrificed for the sake of the perpetrator’s future, the family’s reputation, and the “sake of the gospel.” And if all of this is not bad enough, Christians are currently out in force defending a perpetrator because he received forgiveness in Christ while forgetting in all the comment wars that the real story needs to center around victims and the affects of abuse.
Can I tell you something? Do you have any idea why this story pours salt on wounds? One-fifth to one-fourth of our nation’s population are childhood sexual abuse survivors. A large portion of these are survivors who were abused by people in the church. If you are not a survivor then you probably know someone one who is. The church has failed abuse victims for decades by denying, covering up, keeping silent, and valuing perpetrators over victims. Headlines like this emphasize that Christians are failing them still. The fact that believers are defending a molester is not a testament to the power of grace, but instead is a testament to the lack of comprehension among Christians about this crime’s severity, and a lack of concern for the children who have suffered and have survived.
CALLING IT A SIN AND FORGETTING IT’S A CRIME
This cannot be a public story about grace and forgiveness unless it is first a story about truth and justice. God’s forgiveness which eradicates eternal separation from Himself does not eradicate the earthly and legal consequences of crimes. Criminals must be brought to justice. Do you realize that sexual abuse–yes, even fondling over clothes; yes, even when executed by a minor–is a felony? So when Christians treat abuse as if it is a sin issue only they minimize the affects, dodge responsibility, and bring further harm to victims. Molestation is a crime, punishable by law in every state in this nation, and nearly every country in the world. Spiritual grace, forgiveness and new life in Christ do not release a perpetrator from the public consequences of his crime.
INSTEAD OF JUSTICE
In this story, the demands of justice were not met. Instead (these are links):
Mandatory reporters kept it to themselves.
Damaging theology provided the petri dish for the abuse to occur.
Horrific “counseling” methods are shown to still saturate the church.
Victims were once again shamed, perpetrators once again defended.
FIVE LITTLE GIRLS WERE HURT
Christians have come out loudly declaring: “this was in the past. Get over it and move on.”
Listen to me: this story is not over and it still matters because five little girls were hurt. This story is not over and it still matters because those five little girls represent the 25% of all little girls and the 17% percent of all little boys who will be sexually abused before they have a chance to grow up. This story is not over and it still matters because it also represents the millions of adult survivors who have never been given a voice.
Please don’t qualify the facts. Please don’t say, “they were hurt, but grace…but Jesus… ” In the case of Josh Duggar, please don’t say, “but the abuser was a minor, but they were asleep, but they were young enough that they won’t remember, but groping isn’t molestation (it is), but they forgave him so it’s all ok, yes they were hurt but so was the perpetrator, but we’re all sinners, too, so let it go.” There are no buts.
PUTTING VICTIMS FIRST: ANYTHING LESS IS VOID OF LOVE
When children are violated and abused, criminal wickedness has occurred. Keeping abuse in house and sealing our lips is like forcing our children into an internal prison; they do the time and pay the price instead of the abuser who committed the crime.
Sexual abuse is a crime. Every single time. Perpetrators need to be reported to the police. Every single time. Victims need to be put first. Every single time. Of this, Christians should be the champions.
Putting victims first means we give them voice, we make them safe, and we bring justice upon the perpetrator of the crime.
Anything less is just clashing gongs and clanging cymbals. Anything less is void of love. Anything less makes us complicit in the crime.
*For more information about childhood sexual abuse please see the American Humane Association’s page on sexual abuse. For further information, and if your child has been abused, please see Frontline Moms and Dads. If you (or someone you love) experienced sexual abuse as a child, help can be found at The Allender Center, and through the book The Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse. The Integrative Counseling Institute (ICI) of Salem, Oregon has licensed therapists and pastoral counselors trained in trauma and attachment who are ready to walk alongside you, in person or online. You can find me with ICI here.
I’m saving this to read in full later… but so far I can say I agree with you. A dear friend of mine fought for 3 or 4 years to end the Statue of Limitations for Sexual crimes in Texas, and finally achieved it, but she paid a great price. She was again accosted by the same man who raped her and her sisters… it’s too painful to even write, I don’t want to elaborate on details, but we cannot should not quantify the crime according to our judgment, but put the perpetrator (minor or adult) under justice and let him suffer the consequences of his actions the same way other citizens do. I was very distraught to hear the parents talk, very. How can they favor a son above their daughters? If they did not know what he did, they should then have been told, at the first offence, no matter how “small they make it” when referring it to the girls, and how “huge” they make their punishments and measures sound.
When someone commits a crime, it’s not all up to you on how to handle it, specially when it not only affects YOU, but others are directly affected by the crime, and their voices are not heard.
Oh Silvia, what a horrible story. Your friend is brave. Thank you for sharing.
Have you seen this organization? http://survivingabuse.org The women are working to end statutes of limitations for sexual assault/abuse crimes on a federal level. It’s very encouraging!
I think it is so easy to minimize; if we don’t minimize then we have to open ourselves to some very uncomfortable and painful realities–and those realities threaten to undo things we hold dear (reputation, comfort, home, church…). It’s easier to call it “improper touch” than molestation or assault, it’s easier to say “they didn’t even know it happened!” than to allow ourselves to understand that a child does not always experience the full affects of the abuse until they grow up and begin to unravel what transpired. It’s as an adult, often, that a survivor begins to untangle the truth from the lies, begins to understand that not everyone experiences the abuse they experienced (oh, this ISN’T a normal experience? It wasn’t okay?), and begins to comprehend not only that the abuse was actually wrong (and also not their fault!), but that the effects of the abuse still lingering in their life are wounds to be healed, not shameful secrets to be borne.
I say “they” but I mean “we,” I mean “I.” 🙂
Well said. Minimizing is a second abuse… I understand our desire to make it small, to erase it… but the victim needs recognition and healthy understanding.
Harmony, I love this post so much. Thank you for posting it. You know my history and how passionately I feel about this. I am reblogging this and hope that more people can hear and understand your message.
I’m so glad you’re sharing it! And so glad you read. Thank you.
Perfectly said, Harmony. I’m so glad your voice is out there. <3
Thank you, Molly. You have been a part of this journey!
Harmony, you are awesome! I’m so glad to run across your blog post. You say it clearly, straight up, right-on! Thank you so much for speaking on behalf of us survivors out here. Yes, the christian church creates, nurtures, protects and defends sex abusers and it is time it STOPS. We can stop it if we just accept reality and take responsibility as Christian adults. Brava to you! I’m working to stem the tide among Mennonites at http://www.ourstoriesuntold.com.
Barbra, what an amazing website! Such beautiful work you are doing.
I think it is difficult for non-survivors to comprehend what sexual abuse really does to a victim’s life, and somehow this makes it easier for non-survivors to minimize and sweep it under the rug. You must be fighting an uphill battle in your denomination, but I’m so impressed by the kindness and grace, by the commitment to faith and church that I see in the words of the writers of Our Stories Untold. Thank you so much for sharing.
were the reports “illegally obtained”? I was under the impression somebody used FOIA strategically.
Thanks for the correction! I think you are probably right. I’ll change it.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/acts-of-faith/wp/2015/06/05/heres-why-releasing-josh-duggars-records-was-probably-not-illegal/
I wrote a big long thing and it disappeared. I was sexually molested as a child, physically mentally and sexually abused most of my life. I’m only ashamed of the choices in men I made later in life and feel my, our stories collectively would help in so many ways. Schools, to teach children , prisons where most angry young men and women end up because some are too ashamed to admit what happened to them and to law enforcement who largely don’t understand. Great topic. It needs much further discussion.
I really appreciate your comment. I’m only just now beginning to think along those lines–how useful it could be for people to be educated by survivor’s stories. I have always thought it helpful to survivors to share stories, to speak it into the open, but this news headline has made me realize how unaware, or even misinformed, the culture at large really is about this subject. What you said about sharing in prisons really hit my heart. Thank you for that. What do you envision when you say “our stories could help in so many ways”–do you have specific ideas? Or even just the beginnings of ideas?
I’m disappointed your long comment disappeared! I feel crazy when that happens to me. 😀
Thanks so much for this! It resonates with my story.
http://www.learninghope.org/2015/06/08/the-question-of-forgiveness-pams-story-a-pastors-perspective-you-may-not-expect/
You’re welcome, Pam. I’m thankful it resonates. Your story is very brave, and that website is wonderful! Thank you for linking to it.
There are many beautiful comments on this page. I believe that each of you who have posted before I are brave and strong. To share of oneself is vulnerable, and to be vulnerable, especially after abuse has taken place in your life is a daring feat. I just want to thank each woman who has posted.
As a profession, my husband and I work with kids who have experienced abuse in their life and are struggling through the daily gruel of overcoming. Not just overcoming the trauma, but also the stereotypes, the discrimination, the guilt, and the never ending flashbacks.
I strongly agree with Harmony, victims come first. Each. And. Every. Time. But … sometimes, the offenders are victims too. What then? When then, when the one who offends is a victim reacting to the only sexual behavior they know? What then when a victim, who is forced into silence … forces another into silence. What then? We have a cycle, a terrible cycle. A cycle of hushing and humming. A cycle where victims create more victims. The zombie affect.
And this is why victims need to come first. Each. And. Every. Time.