Childhood Sexual Abuse

I want to have a conversation about the incidence, prevalence and danger of childhood sexual abuse. I want to have this conversation with each other, with our spouses, with our churches, with our friends, and with our children. It is not a fun conversation; it can rile our nerves and put fear in our bellies.  But knowledge leads to wisdom, and talking about it can take away the fear.*

‘Be wise as serpents, and innocent as doves.’ 

The reality is, sexual abuse of children exists. It typically exists at the hands of someone close to a child, not a stranger. And so, while we may default to building around our children a fortress of protection, it is prudent to also build within them a defense every bit as strong as the defense without. Educate yourself, educate your children, and put your hope and trust in the Lord.

THE DEFINITION

Sexual abuse is “any contact or interaction (visual, verbal, or psychological) between a child/adolescent and an adult (or older teen) when the child/adolescent is used for the sexual stimulation of the perpetrator or another person.” (Dan Allender, The Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse; book here, website here)

For a more detailed definition, see here.

THE STATISTICS

We know that:

• 1 in 3 girls (statistics vary, but they always fall between 1 in 4 to 1 in 3) and 1 in 7 boys (often the statistics show 1 in 6) will be sexually abused by the time they reach adulthood
• As many as 47% of perpetrators are related to the victim
• As many as 93% of perpetrators are known (family/friends/church members/acquaintances) to the victim beforehand
• 82% of child and youth victims are female
• 9% of youth ages 14 to 21 commit some form of sexual abuse toward another person (which reminds us that it’s not just our task to protect our children from abuse, but also our task to raise our children to never harm another in this way)

(all statistics found here except last statistic, found here)

Again, one in three of our daughters will be molested, raped, or in some other way sexually abused before she reaches adulthood.

One in six of our sons will face the same evil. 

Nearly one out of every ten young people will victimize another human being for the sake of their own sexual gratification.

The reality is, sexual abuse is not something that happens to other people’s kids.  It’s not packaged neatly and delivered to people different from ourselves. Sexual abuse also doesn’t happen to “bad” people; we’re not safeguarded by our religions, we’re not immune because we have faith, we’re not protected because our communities are good and our parenting practices mindful. Our vigilance helps, yes, but we must know that even good and careful parents will experience the devastating horror of having sexual abuse occur against their children.

THE CONVERSATION

While this subject needs openly discussed among adults, it also needs to be frankly addressed with our children.

Delicacy and embarrassment work against us here. We can be honest with our children, we can be frank without being insensitive. We can face our own shame and hold our own discomfort in order to give our children the tools they need to navigate this particular reality. We can give our children knowledge, wisdom, and confidence; we can prove ourselves worthy of their trust.

WHAT TO SAY TO OUR CHILDREN

• Bodies: Speak openly with your children about their bodies.  They must know that their bodies are sacred, and their bodies are their own;  no one else has a right to touch them without permission. They must know that certain parts of their bodies are private, and they must know the actual anatomical names. Perpetrators often use pet names for body parts; arm your child with knowledge so they know what is what, and how to describe what happened if something ever does. Children also must know what is and what is not appropriate to show and do in public, in private, and with others: they must know how to respect the bodies of other people and they must know how their own bodies ought to be respected.
• Sex: Please, teach frankly about sex; from mechanics to timing to consequences to pleasure, teach about the good and wonderful as well as the evil and perverse. Raise your children with virtues such as purity, joy, dignity, self- and other-respect, self-possession, self-restraint and self-control.  Please help your children recognize when others do not act in right, true, pure and honoring ways.  Teach them how to say no, and when. Teach them how to say yes, and when. Guide them to trust their instinct, their conscience, their values, their heart.
• Abuse: Instruct your children in right and wrong; make sure they know the difference between wrong they commit, and a wrong act committed against them.  There is much shame connected with abuse.  Make sure they know what abuse is, and that if abuse happens to them, it is not their fault.  And if ever happens by them, it is their fault and they need to own up. Be certain they know how to avoid abuse, how to escape abuse, what to do to stop abuse, and if they can’t stop it, what to do after abuse takes place. Make sure they know whom to tell.  Make sure they can always tell you.
• Feelings: Abuse is deceitful.  Sexual abuse is manipulative.  A child will think he’s done wrong when he hasn’t.  He will feel dirty when he is not.  She will feel ashamed and afraid to tell.  Even a child with a close relationship with her parents may lie and defend the abuser. So please, speak openly about the deceitful front abuse can carry, and give the children examples of how it can look and feel.
• Lies: The abuser will threaten and lie dirty.  He may vow harm to the child or to someone the child loves, as a way to keep the child silent. The child must know that if this happens, the abuser is speaking lies. His threats are empty. Let them see such words as a signifier that abuse is abuse, and also as assurance that if they hear such words, that’s their clue to tell their trusted adults.
• Manipulations: The abuser may also manipulate and groom. Whether it’s twisting your teen’s mind to think she’s being loved, or grooming her so that she feels she must care for him in some way, or any other form of manipulation, the perpetrator may be sneaky, and the child may be genuinely duped.  Teach your children to recognize these things before they take place. Teach your children so well, that an abuser’s lies and manipulations will have the opposite of the intended effect.
• Abusers: Children must have the ability to recognize abusers and abusive behaviors.  They must know that evil exists in the world.  They need to be told that sexual abuse is most often caused by somebody a child knows and trusts. Be brave enough to emphasize that it can happen at the hand of someone they love.
• Relationships: Be the safe person to whom your child will turn in a crisis such as sexual abuse. Practice listening. Attach deeply. Invest in their hearts on a daily basis. Stay so connected in relationship that he or she will tell you anything, even when it’s hard. Prove to them that you will always receive anything they say without judgement and with honest love. It’s your relationship with your child that’s most important, of course. On this, many things will rise and fall.

THE POINT

Childhood sexual abuse is more rampant than any of us would like to believe.  But it’s the type of danger that is right here under our noses, right here where we would not think to look.  Conversation may not prevent it entirely, nor protect our children perfectly, but I believe a bit of frank talk is a very good place to start.

Remember, we are not setting out to frighten our children. We are making them aware.  We are providing them the knowledge and tools they need to live boldly without fear, and we are also validating to their hearts our own trustworthiness, which may make all the difference in the world if sexual abusers ever dare to come near.

*This blog post is not meant to be a collection of resources.  For more information, and a good jumping-in point, please see the American Humane Association’s page on sexual abuse.  For further information, and if your child has been abused, please see Frontline Moms and Dads. If you (or someone you love) experienced sexual abuse as a child, help can be found at The Allender Center, and through the book The Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse. The Integrative Counseling Institute (ICI) of Salem, Oregon has licensed therapists and pastoral counselors trained in trauma and attachment who are ready to walk alongside you, in person or online. You can find me with ICI here.